The worst 'movie' ever filmed

Imagine the worst film you have ever watched. What did you hate about it? Well what if I told you that I watched a movie that makes the worst movie you have ever seen look like a classic masterpiece of cinema. I'm talking a Casablanca, Wizard Of Oz, It's a Wonderful Life level classic.

This movie would scare most people away on reading the title. Not me though, since I started subscribing to Netflix I have done my best to find the worst, most disturbing, most despicable, most horrendous, strangest film on the planet. A lot of people wonder why I would do this, and the answer is simple. Everyone hears of the best movies, the Oscars, the Golden Globes and countless critics around the world praise films for being artistic masterpieces. Most of these films are mainstream and although they deal with touchy subjects they are done with tact and respect. The film I just watched not only will you never hear about it on any award show, I am fairly sure that no respectable critic has ever watched it. I want to know what the underground of cinema is like. I want to hear stories that haven't been told, stories ignored by the mainstream, and that is why I am digging for the bottom of the barrel.

The film is called 'Slaughtered Vomit Dolls' and it is the worst movie ever made. I know, I know, I had no business watching it, and I will probably lose a few close friends by talking about it in such a public space but it is the risk I am willing to take. Before watching the movie I decided to watch just the trailer. In the trailer a few things are shown, a girl possessed by a demon, the claim that the film creates a new genre of film, "vomit gore", and a lot of people puking. The film looks dark and dreary and the lighting is dim with over exposed faces. It is made to look like a snuff film. For those of you who don't know, a snuff film is a porno where someone is murdered. It is a really sick fetish and it is believed that no true snuff film exists (thank God). There are a lot of fake snuff films, and even a mainstream movie called 8mm starring Nicholas Cage about snuff films.

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls intrigued me with the preview, making a claim to create a new genre of film is a big claim so I had to watch the film. About 5 minutes into the film Jenny looks at me and says, "wouldn't it be funny if the whole movie was like this." The first 5 minutes consisted of a home video of a little girl talking with random clips of a woman sleeping, a woman stripping, and some people puking. There was no description, and the dialogue was so low in the mix you couldn't understand what they were saying. There wasn't a lot of dialogue anyway, and I am sure even if you could hear it wouldn't have made sense. 71 minutes later I looked at Jenny and laughed, the entire movie was like the first five minutes.

If it weren't for my obsessive compulsive disorder I wouldn't have made it past the 10 minute mark, but I have to finish what I start. This movie, although only 71 minutes long felt like 3 or more hours. I feel as though the film somehow slowed down the space time continuum for the viewer to cause more suffering.

After the film was over I looked up the director and read an interview, he is creepy and even admitted to having a vomit fetish, and wants Dolly Parton to puke on him. I urge everyone who made it to the end of this blog entry to stay away from this movie. I think most of my friends are smarter than I am and don't need this warning, but just incase . . . this is your final warning.

My journey has come to an end, I have found the most vile movie on the planet, and it was directed by "Lucifer Valentine 666"

Now I will return to my usual light hearted fun blogs :)