Strange Situations

Top Movies of 2010

2011-02-07T18:12:00.012-05:00

I saw a lot of movies in 2010. I couldn't pick a clear favorite so here are the top 13 in alphabetical order. The rest of the movies I saw in 2010 are listed in no order at the bottom of the page.

If it weren't for Darron Aronofsky directing this film I would have never had any desire to see it. All of his films are basically the same; someone gets obsessed with something and it drives them insane (math/drugs/eternal life/wrestling/ballet). The film is very well directed and acted. I am rooting for Natalie Portman to win the Oscar (this is one of only 2 oscars I care about this year, the other will be mentioned later). This is not a feel good movie by any means, but it is very engrossing, by the end you are questioning if what you saw was real or made up.

I saw a lot of movies this year that involved being trapped (Frozen, Buried, 127 Hours, Devil) and this was the best of the bunch. The thing that set this movie apart was that the entire movie takes place in a coffin. There are no flashbacks, there are no hallucinations (outside of the coffin), and there is nothing unbelievable in this film. As a viewer you feel trapped like the character. I felt so claustrophobic during the film that my shoulders and neck were super tense when it was over. The film could probably also work as a radio story. We only hear the character and whoever he can get ahold of on the phone that is in the coffin with him. This to me is a much better 'trapped' movie than 127 Hours which is nominated for several Oscars. The thing about 127 Hours that I didn't like is there were flashbacks and hallucinations that took place while he was trapped. It took you out of the moment and I didn't really feel what the character felt. The other Oscar I care about is that 127 Hours doesn't win for best editing, the editing was amazing, but it took away from the film, it was almost edited as a different genre of film.

I almost stayed away from this movie because M. Night produced it and we all know how quickly he can ruin a movie. But, I am pleased to say that this film was very well put together. There was plenty of suspense, mystery, and it was surprisingly creepy. 5 People are trapped in an elevator and one of them is the devil, but none of them know that until it is too late. The story came together very well and the ending wasn't really a surprise but it felt complete. All the stories wrapped up nicely. If you are a fan of horror/thriller/suspense films definitely don't miss this one.

This documentary was filmed by Theirry Guetta and wasn't originally planned to be a documentary. Guetta was obsessed with video cameras and recorded everything that he did for over a decade. He went though a phase where he followed graffiti artists around and watched them work. His ultimate goal was to meet Banksy, the worlds most famous artist. When he finally met Banksy he was reluctant to be filmed as his identity was a secret to everyone but his inner circle. But eventually Theirry Guetta won over his trust and filmed him for several months. The twist comes when Banksy takes all the graffiti footage and ends up making this documentary, about Theirry Guetta. Guetta isn't an artist, but Banksy tells him to try. He ends up creating a huge art show based on his work (he is the idea man and pays other to actually create the art). I really had no interest in graffiti before but this movie really blew me away. Banksy is a very interesting guy and is famous world wide. One of his famous stunts occurred when he broke into the Louvre and hung his own artwork in the gallery. Trust me, this film will not disappoint.

This film takes place in the early 1960s and involves a girl who is in love with a boy from 2nd-8th grade. The boy can't stand the girl. Then, he starts liking her, but she has stopped liking him. The thing that sets this movie aside is that there are two narrators, the boy and the girl. You hear the story from 2 sides giving the movie a little twist that sets it apart from other love stories. I have watched this movie twice, it is very light hearted and fun. I highly recommend this movie.

I have loved every movie that Christopher Nolan has done. In fact, Memento, his first semi-major film is one of, if not my favorite movie of all time and also the movie I saw the most in the theater (3 times in a week). Inception is not really easy to describe, it is about a guy who hacks into peoples dreams and steals their ideas for profit. In fact, I had an idea to do this very thing several years back leading me to believe that Nolan actually hacked my dream and stole my idea. Even if that is the case he wrote and directed this story much better than I ever could so I'm not too mad about it. This is by far the most complex movie on this list but somehow all my questions were answered by the end. If you like mind-f**k movies I highly suggest watching this movie.

I never watched the Jackass show because I thought it was so stupid. But, for whatever reason all of the Jackass films make me laugh until my stomach hurts. I can't explain what it is about the movies that is so hilarious but I always leave the theater with a sore stomach and sore cheeks. The third installment in 3D has some of the best gags yet, and also some of the grossest. I haven't been so close to getting physically sick in a movie since I saw Van Wilder (the dog semen cupcake scene). If you want to laugh, and you aren't offended by body fluids and language you will love this movie.

The original Karate Kid is one of those classic 80s movies that I never get sick of. I don't know why I watched the remake, I knew it was going to suck and no way it could live up to the original. I was completely wrong. This film definitely stands up to the original and even surpasses it in many aspects. Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan were perfectly cast in this film. It follows pretty much an identical story line to the original but somehow still feels fresh. My only gripe is that Jaden Smith was learning Kung Fu, not Karate. This is one of the best family films of the year.

This movie is not for kids. I was really surprised at how adult it actually was. Nicholas Cage training his young daughter how to brutally murder people and preparing her for being shot at by shooting her himself at the beginning should give you an idea of the kind of movie this becomes. The character Kick-Ass is your typical super hero/nerd who saves the day but he isn't as lucky as Peter Parker or Clark Kent, he goes through many trials and tribulations before he starts winning the battles. This is one of the best super movies I have ever seen and if you aren't offended by blood you should check it out.

Mockumentary about a charismatic preacher who performed fake exorcisms for years and decided to get out of the business as people began to get hurt and die because of exorcism practices. He agrees to let a camera crew follow him to one final exorcism. He exposes all of the tricks of the trade in hopes that no one else is harmed by priests performing exorcisms. Of course, this final exorcism isn't straight forward. There are many twists and turns and a very unexpected super intense climax that really made me love this movie. It isn't nearly as scary as The Exorcism of Emily Rose or The Exorcist, but it is very entertaining and intense.

If you liked the first Paranormal Activity you will love the 2nd one. It is very similar and actually involves the characters from the first film as this is technically a prequel. You will be on the edge of your seat for most of the film. There are some really great 'gotcha' scenes and some false alarmas. Paranormal Activity and its sequel are rare in the fact that I am still creeped out hours after watching them. Every creak I hear in the night puts me on red alert for some sort of spirit.

Scott Pilgrim is witty, fast paced, and very stylistic. You never know what will happen next. There are umpteen video game references (no specific games, but things like bad guys turning to coins when the are defeated), comic book charms (when the phone rings you see BRRRRRNG appear above the phone, and shout outs to classic tv shows (there is a Seinfeld scene, complete with canned laughter and funky bass grooves). I actually laughed out loud several times during this movie which I wasn't expecting. I think that younger generations will like this more than older generations based on the references. Scott must defeat his love interests 7 evil ex's to win her heart. Sounds exactly like a video game, and progresses like a video game throughout. I highly recommend this movie if you are under 35 years old.

If you are reading this your life has been effected by Mark Zuckerburg. Less than 5 years ago no one knew who he was, and now he is a house hold name world wide. This movie tells the story of where facebook came from. It is most certainly not 100% true, but some of the verified facts are astonishing. In 2003 Mark Zuckerburg was a nerd with very few friends, and in 2011 he is worth at least 15 billion and has the most visited website on the internet with over 600 million active users. One of the best lines in the movie talks about how in one day over 650 people joined facebook "If I were a drug dealer I couldn't give away drugs to 650 people". The other quote is by Sean Parker (the creator of Napster who I was surprised to learn played a big role in the marketing of facebook) "This isn't a once in a lifetime idea, this is a once in a generation idea". The movie is fast paced but easy to follow and is a must see for anyone who is an active facebook user.

The final chapter in the Toy Story franchise is also the best and most emotional. If I had to really choose a 'best' movie of the year this would probably be it. It is a beautiful film visually, it has heart, it has laughs, it will make you cry and feel nostalgic. It is basically a movie that I can't imagine anyone not liking. Even if you haven't seen the other 2 it is worth it to watch this movie

Other movies I watched, in no order. If you want to know what I thought about anything below let me know. I love talking movies.

Shutter Island
Alice In Wonderland
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid
Hubble
How To Train Your Dragon
Oceans
Human Centipede
A Nightmare On Elm Street
Iron Man 2
Twilight: Eclipse
Babies
Hot Tub Time Machine
Splice
Date Night
Wallstreet: Money Never Sleeps
Despicable Me
Easy A
Harry potter 7
Gullivers travels
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
Winters Bone
True Grit
Nowhere Boy
Restrepo
I love you phillip morris
127 Hours
Saw 3D
Freakonomics
Unstoppable
The Town
The Fighter
Best Worst Movie
Kings Speech
The Kids Are All Right
Let Me In
Frozen

2011-01-11T19:29:00.036-05:00

Top 10 Albums in No Particular Order

1) Eminem - Recovery

There is not a better rapper in the game, now or ever. I may go as far as saying this is my favorite rap album of all time; if not it is in the top 5 for sure. He is so unique, even my dad, who never listens to rap knows an Eminem song when he hears one.
I love that this album has no filler tracks, no skits, and barely any guest verses. This album is all Eminem. The songs are very personal, and the song Going Through Changes is a very real look at why Eminem hasn't been around for several years, one of the most emotional rap songs I have heard. You can feel his despair and his anger, and that is rare for rap. I have included the video No Love with Lil Wayne (who I never really got into). He is considered one of the best in the game, but I personally feel Eminem leaves him in the dust on this song. Look up the lyrics and try to rap along, it isn't easy at all. . .Eminem rhymes to his own drummer, it is unique, catchy and hard to replicate. I like the drug free Eminem. If I had to nitpick the album my one gripe would be that he mentions lightning/getting struck by lightning too much (at least half a dozen times)

2) Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare

I have always liked A7X, but never REALLY listened to their albums. I gave this one a chance because of the story of the album. The Rev died of a drug overdose after the album had been written but not recorded. His favorite drummer/biggest influence, Mike Portnoy (who also happens to be my favorite musician, and one of my favorite people on the planet) was asked to fill in on drums and record the album. The album is the best A7X album to date (or at least the one I have listened to the most). Again, there is not a bad song on the album. The mood is all over the place, classic A7X, really really heavy, and even a couple of ballads, and a very personal song about death written by The Rev before his death. The drum parts were not changed from how The Rev wrote them, and his style really comes through in Portnoy's playing. If you have ever liked the band I suggest you check out this album, you will not be disappointed.

3) Periphery - Periphery

If you mixed Tool, Meshuggah, and a red bull in a blender you would have this album. Periphery are the definition of groove metal. I can't listen to this album without bobbing my head. I don't know why though, it is so complex rhythmically I'm surprised I like it at all. I wish there were no screaming vocals because I like the clean vocals so much, but the music is so interesting I look past the vocals. I am giving Periphery the award for having the most complex song of the year with Zyglrox. It isn't that I love the song as much as I appreciate it. 'Bulb', the founding member of the group definitely has a very unique style for composing and arranging his music. He is involved in several side projects as well, if you are interested let me know and I'll send you some links.

4) Mutiny Within - Mutiny Within

I lucked into this band while searching for a Necrophagist cover band on YouTube. The closest I got was a video of the guitarist from Mutiny, and the drummer from Abigal Williams (although he wasn't the drummer at the time). I liked what I heard and checked out some of the guitarists original music. The band, Mutiny, was signed to Roadrunner Records about 6 months after I found the video and their name was changed to Mutiny Within. This album is pure progressive metal leaning towards power metal, in the style of Into Eternity. The guitar and drum work are top notch, so much so that on a forum discussing the album people were questioning whether a drummer or drum machine was used to record it. Luckily, the drummer for the band joined the conversation and pwned everyone. If you like top notch musicianship check out this album, a great debut!

5) Against Me! - White Crosses

I never thought I would like a new wave/pop punk album as much as I like White Crosses. The songs are so damn catchy I can't quit listening to the album. This is probably my most listened to album of 2010. If you like Green Day you will like this album. . .hell, if you don't like Green Day you will probably like this album. Most of the songs are upbeat and poppy, but my favorite track on the album is probably Ache With Me (not surprisingly, the studio version is much better). It is very different than the other songs so I included another song (the video below) which better suits the style of the album.

6) Bruno Mars - Doowops and Hooligans

If it weren't for Billionaire and Fuck You I probably wouldn't have listened to this album. I am going to go ahead and call Bruno Mars the number 1 song writer of 2010. He has had several songs in the top 10, and co-wrote Fuck You, which is my favorite song of the year. His album is no different than the hits he wrote, very very catchy. The weak point for Bruno Mars is his lyrics, they aren't horrible, just nothing to write home about. Every song on the album is memorable and catchy. I included a live version of Lazy Song (very similar guitar to Billionaire) which shows that he isn't a studio wonder, he can sing and play live. I expect several Grammys and number 1 hits in this guys future.

7) Motion City Soundtrack - My Dinosaur Life

This album is heavily influenced by Weezer, Presidents of the USA, and Third Eye Blind (in my head it is anyway). I probably like this album more than anything any of those bands have put out. Every song on the album could be a single. I included the first track from the album in the video below. I couldn't pick a favorite song so I figured I'd start at the beginning. This is the best pop rock album of the year, maybe of the past several years. If I was 15 the first time I heard this album it would probably be my favorite of all time, I don't know why I think that, I just do.

8) The Gaslight Anthem - American Slang

Of all the albums on the list I have probably listened to this one the least. It has really started to grow on me and expect to listen several more times in the coming weeks. This is just a good rock album, it sounds very similar vocally/lyrically to The Hold Steady album listed below.

9) The Holdsteady - Heaven Is Whenever

A very good classic rock sounding album. This is the first album by The Hold Steady I have listened to and I have really enjoyed it. Every song is written like a mini story and the lyrical phrasing is very different than most of the music I listen to. If you like classic rock give this album a spin or two. The song below sounds like a dad teaching his son about life, and is one of my favorite songs on the album.

10) Here Come The Mummies! - Carnal Carnival

This isn't the best album by Here Come The Mummies, but it is still better than most of the albums I heard this year. Once again all the songs are full of innuendoes and the production is some of the best I heard all year. My favorite song on the album (which I can't find to share) is called Eye of Horus. The song stands out to me as the best on the album for 2 reasons: first, it has the catchiest hook on the album and second it has about 10-12 false endings which seriously made me LOL the first time I listened. If you have never heard of this band before the below video isn't really a good introduction, but unfortunately it is the only song I could find off the new album on YouTube that didn't sound like it was recorded in a tin can. To get a better idea of the musical stylings of the Mummies check out the video I recorded at the last show they did in Lexington

Runners Up

Bring Me The Horizon - There is a Hell Believe Me I've Seen it. There is a Heaven, Let's Keep it Between Us.

Bo Burnham - Words Words Words

Seventh Wonder - Great Escape

James LaBrie - Static Impulse

Renzo Charlez - Elevator Muzak

Andrew Ripp - She Remains The Same

Cee-Lo Green - The Lady Killer

Biggest Dissapointments

Coheed and Cambria - Year Of The Black Rainbow

Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Serj Tankian - Imperfect Harmonies

Other Albums I Heard In No Particular Order

Hanson – Shout It Out
Disturbed – Asylum
Birthday Massacre – Pins and Needles
Lifehouse – Smoke and Mirrors
Paul Gilbert – Fuzz Universe
Dillinger Escape Plan – Option Paralysis
B.o.b – Bobby Ray
Katy perry – Teenage Dream
Jimmy eat world - Invented
All that remains – For We Are Many
Weezer – Hurley
Anberlin – Art Of War
Alesana – The Emptiness
As I Lay Dying – The Powerless Rise
Devil Wears Prada – Zombie EP
Emarosa – Emarosa
Pierce The Veil – Selfish Machines
Four Year Strong – Enemy Of The World
Chiodos – Illuminaudio
Circa Survive – Blue Sky Noise
Deftones – Diamond Eyes
Envy on the Coast – Lowcountry
Isles & Glaciers – The Hearts Of Lonely People
Sleigh Bells – Treats
Stick To Your Guns – The Hope Division
The Sleeping – The Big Deep
Girl Talk - All Day
Twista – The Perfect Storm
Michael Jackson – Michael
My Chemical Romance - Danger Days - The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys

Lost Finale and my life Major Spoilers

2010-05-24T11:15:00.002-04:00

Don't read this if you don't want to hear about Lost.

Maybe I am crazy for comparing a TV show to a tragedy that brings strangers together, but I feel that trying to explain what happened in the finale of Lost can't be explained to people who haven't experienced it. Just saying what happened can no way have the same emotional impact as the experience it took to find out what happened.

I have spent the past 6 years of my life talking to anyone who will listen about my theories on Lost. Last night was the culmination of those years as I, along with millions of others, awaited answers to our most desired questions. We did not receive these answers in black and white, many of them we didn't receive at all. But, now that it is over do the answers really matter? I find that the ending was more than satisfactory (it did however take almost 12 hours to set in)

What was the light on the island?
What was the MIB's name?
Where did mother come from?
Why did those numbers keep popping up? I understand the lighthouse and all that, but how was Jacob or whoever able to have those exact numbers be the lottery numbers that one fateful day for Hurley?
How were Jacob/MIB/mother immortal?
Who fathered Jacob/MIB?
How did Dharma get to the island?
Why did Widmore stage a fake plane in the ocean?
How is Widmore rich?
What did Widmore want with the island?

There are hundreds more, but after watching the finale I honestly don't care about any of these questions or answers. Here are a few things I took away from the finale.

*The island was real. The sideways timeline was the afterlife.

*Kate told Jack she has waited a long time to see him again when they met at the concert which leads me to believe that the plane actually made it off the island (that we see fly over Jack right before he dies) and Kate lived out a long life. She had to wait until she died to see her true love again.

*"It only ends once, everything else is only progress" This was said by Jacob in the season 5 finale. Could it be that the Losties were trapped in an endless loop until they all got things exactly right (like groundhog day). Each character had to do 2 things to move on, find their one true love, and let go of the one thing they could never let go. Jack being the fixer couldn't let go of his baggage (his issues with his father) until he helped all of the other Losties solve their issues. The biggest hurdle was to help and understand John Locke, once he did this he was able to move on.

*Juliet told Sawyer in the season 6 premiere that 'it worked' and they could get coffee one day and go dutch. As she lay dying on the island her mind was in both planes of existence. Since time doesn't exist in the other plane she already knew that everything worked out and her and Sawyer ended up together, she was able to die peacefully knowing that blowing up the island with the nuke allowed every Lostie to be reunited with their true love, have no hard feelings towards each other, and be able to move on peacefully into whatever comes next.

*I believe Eloise wasn't ready to move on because she wanted to spend time in 'purgatory' with her son Daniel since in real life she killed him. She was one of the first to understand where they were but didn't want to change anything because she is afraid where she might end up if she walks into the light. For her, until Daniel decides to move on, her 'purgatory' is heaven.

*Ben wants to stay behind to build relationships with both Russo and Alex. He is a good guy at heart but made horrible choices in his life. He wants Russo and Alex to see the flash and remember but wants to show them how sorry he is things happened the way they did and then he will decide to move on.

The show as a whole kept playing up that everything that happened happened for a reason and if the Losties didn't do everything just right the world would end. But, after watching the finale I don't think that is entirely true. It all began with Jacob/MIB/mother. I don't think it was a coincidence that the skeletons found were called 'Adam and Eve'. Things had to play out a specific way for thousands of years leading up to the final meeting in the church. The Losties were trying to save themselves, not the entire world. But, think about it, everyone was looking out for number one, and their world was all they knew, so to them saving the world and saving 'their' world are really the same thing. The outside world wouldn't have changed in the slightest, since everyone has moved on from the Oceanic crash, and no one knew the island existed anyway.

Much like real life the show left a lot of unanswered questions. We were lead in one direction for 2.5 seasons, then the focus suddenly shifted once we learned about Jacob. We spend the next 2.5 seasons wondering about Jacob and the MIB and then again in the last episode the writers throw another curve and we forget about Jacob and MIB ( I really don't even care what his name was anymore ) and start to feel something new. The show spent 6 years building these characters and in the end all that mattered was their friendship/soul mate/redemption. The more I think about it the more satisfied I am with the ending. It isn't about answering questions that makes life so interesting, that is just what keeps you going until you find the one person who makes you forget all about the unanswered questions.

I didn't think I felt emotional attachments to any character and expected the ending to leave me feeling empty. I watched Lost because I was drawn in by the mystery and folklore. The writers did a great job of emotionally attaching me to characters without me even knowing. By the end of last nights episode I felt as emotionally attached to every character as I did to Desmond and Penny in "the constant' which I think is the best hour of any tv show that has ever been on tv (the season 4 finale of dexter is a close second)

I had several flashes of the past 6 years, thinking about milestones in my life that happened around the airing of certain episodes of Lost. My life, like anyones, is full of 'what if' scenarios, unanswered questions, and mysteries.

Who were the 'Yakuza' guy and 'buff Kid Rock' who walked through the mall?
Was leaving Sears the right choice?
Why didn't I go to a different college?
Who drives the bat mobile and mystey machine in Lexington?

When I first asked these questions they were very important for me to answer, but now, I don't care. Although these questions do have answers, I will never know them. As it turns out, those aren't the important questions to be answered anyway. Just like Lost, not everything was answered, but in the end it didn't matter, things turned out like they were supposed to. Fate played a huge part, and I am starting to believe more in fate.

The thing about life is you can easily draw correlations between two seemingly unrelated events. If it weren't for 104.5 the cat playing MmmBop all summer long back in 1997, facebook, and the cat I wanted to get being adopted litteraly 5 minutes before I tried to adopt it, and my current cat literally tapping me on the shoulder through the bars at the humane society to let me know she was the one I needed to get I would not have met Jenny. The answer to most of my unanswered questions became insignificant once I met Jenny. The purpose of my life became apparent to me and everything else became irrelevant, just like the unanswered questions in Lost. Life can be strange sometimes, but that is what makes it interesting.

In conclusion,

I feel a pretty big void today, I have never had any tv show/media have such a stranglehold on my mental ability before. My favorite aspect of the show was the mystery and the hundreds of theories I concocted and others I read online. I could sit and talk/think about what I thought happened for hours. But, now that the show has ended the answers to some of the questions just don't seem important to me and I am left with a feeling of love and redemption for the characters. Life isn't about unanswered questions, it is about living and loving. I never expected a tv show to make me examine my life this much, but it has, and I am thankful for it

Johnny Depp the long awaited video!

2009-03-08T21:32:00.015-04:00

As a disclaimer I would like everyone to know the following video contains sexual innuendos and is rated a strong PG-13.

Don't forget to DIgg the video on Digg.

Every once in a while I get a good idea. Sometimes they come to me when I am sleeping, sometimes they spontaneously pop in my head while driving or showering. Even though I rarely drink ideas seem to plant themselves in my head then too. Most of the time when I will say something clever or find humor in a strange place I laugh at myself, share my thought with a few friends and that is the end of it. One such occasion took place at an outdoor bar in Hilton Head, South Carolina during a thunderstorm on July 25, 2006 after my 4th Budweiser (being a light-weight I was pretty buzzed).
I was talking to someone and mentioned I was from Kentucky and they said, "Oh, Johnny Depp is from Kentucky, he is so hot." I like Johnny Depp, I think he is a great actor, but I don't see why he is the sexiest man alive. Captain Jack is a bumbling fool, a hilarious dirty drunk. But, he is not sexy. Girls seem to think he is. I thought to myself, "Oooh Johnny Depp, you make my pussy wet." but kept it to myself. Later I told my buddies Jon and Nathan who I was on vacation with and they found it hysterical. Technically it doesn't rhyme, but it flows off the tongue well and basically sums up my view of the female view of Johnny Depp. I decided I would write a song about it. Like many things I decide it didn't happen, at least not right away
However, it wasn't until April of 2008 when I received a free Macbook Pro in the mail for jumping through hoops I found on this site that I even remembered wanting to write a song about Johnny Depp and the phrase that inspired me. I was a Mac n00b, not having used one since the early 1990's in elementary school and was amazed at the programs that came pre-loaded. I took a liking to Garageband and began to compose a song using sample loops. I completed the song which had a 70's porno-beat-rap music feel and found myself humming the phrase "Johnny Depp, you make my pussy wet" to the bass-line in the chorus. I then decided I should write more lyrics based on his movie characters with sexual innuendos throughout. It took a day or two of rewording but finally got it to where I believed it could be a real song. By May 2008 I had recorded the vocals using the only microphone I had, the Rock Band microphone. I used vocal modulation to raise my voice several octaves to create the female-ish voice in the chorus because I could not find any girls who could sing well willing to say what I needed for the chorus (not that I sing any better). After recording and exporting the song I realized that for the video to work I needed to add the phrase "and all the ladies say" after the pre-chorus and before the chorus but it wouldn't fit. So, the chorus is supposed to be me mocking what females say about Johnny Depp, not what I actually think (I don't know if that comes through in the final version).
July 2008 i finally decided to try and make a video. Unfortunately I didn't have access to an HD camera and had to film it with my 5 year old mini-dv that was on its last leg. This video has been a learning experience for me in several different ways. It is hard to find people who are available and reliable to film when I need them. Video editing is a lot of fun but a lot of work. The problem is my camcorder isn't good enough to allow my green screen effects to look professional, even with 2000 watts of lighting, 3 different green screens, and the latest in video editing equipment. It took over an hour to put on the makeup for the Willie Wonka scene and two trips to Goodwill. So, for the 4 second clip in the video I spent 20 dollars, 2+ hours pre-production, and several hours post production trying to make my stick, and Allison's eyebrows not be transparent. As you can see, I wasn't successful in the transparency issue.
I hope you enjoy the video, and decide to share it with friends. This has been a great learning experience for me and I hope to release bigger and better videos in the future. Once I overcome the obstacle of thinking that my ideas are stupid and no one will like them I find they aren't that hard to bring to life.

The Oscars

2009-02-23T10:50:00.008-05:00

Who would have thought the Academy Awards were so controversial? People complained that The Dark Knight and Iron Man weren't up for best picture. Their most common argument is "they grossed more money than any other movie so obviously people liked them better." The Dark Knight had a $185 million budget and Iron Man had a $180 million budget, while movies like Milk and The Reader had much, much smaller budgets. With this logic, all of the following movies would have been nominated for best picture:

1999 - Highest grossing - Star Wars Episode I
Best Picture winner - American Beauty
2006 - Highest grossing - Pirates of the Caribbean 2
Best Picture winner - The Departed
1990 - Highest grossing - Home Alone
Best Picture winner - Dances With Wolves

I love Home Alone as much as the next guy, but I don't think in a million years it should have been nominated for Best Picture.

The Dark Knight and Iron Man could afford to spend millions and millions on promotions (TV ads, billboards, radio spots, you name it), while a movie like The Wrestler had to rely on word of mouth. The film's budget was so small that Mickey Rourke wasn't even paid and they relied on donations of music from Axl Rose and Bruce Springsteen for the soundtrack. Slumdog Millionaire was going to be a straight-to-video release in the US but due to repeat viewings and theaters becoming more and more packed in the few cities it premiered in, they raised enough money to distribute the film on a larger scale. The Dark Knight and Iron Man premiered in over 3,000 theaters nationwide, while most people didn't have the opportunity to see Milk, The Reader, The Wrestler, Frost/Nixon, and the rest of the nominees.

Don't get me wrong, The Dark Knight and Iron Man were both great movies: perfectly cast, very polished and very entertaining throughout, but neither were the best film of the year; both were very formulaic. I saw each movie two times and would gladly watch them again, but after giving a chance to the little guys, I realized that there is more to a movie than the number of people who watch it.
Think about the music industry - the albums that sell the most are the ones that get the most radio play. The ones that get the most radio play are the ones who spend millions on promotions. Even American Idol will not let the greatest singers through because they are not "marketable" aka "pretty". Do you honestly think Britney Spears, Nickelback, and Kanye West released the best music of the year just because more people buy their records?

I quit listening to the radio because it is the same recycled garbage year after year, and the same goes for movies. 90% of movies released I can tell you the entire storyline of, the twist, and the ending based on a two minute preview because they are so formulaic. Hollywood knows what sells and keeps selling it to us again and again. The Oscars are trying to expand our artistic views and bring to light movies that don't follow the formula. These movies are wonderfully crafted stories that we wouldn't ever hear about without the "Oscar Buzz".

As far as Best Actor goes, my personal pick was Mickey Rourke. If you have seen The Wrestler you know how wonderful his performance was. The hype around the movie seemed to gain momentum after his Oscar nomination but has still only grossed around 19 million. The movie did not have a wide release and therefore could not physically match the numbers put up by The Dark Knight. Sean Penn won for Milk and at first I was very mad that Mickey Rourke walked away empty handed, but then I got to thinking about the award. The reason I liked Mickey Rourke so much in this role was because it mirrored his real life: he really is a washed-up actor who can only do one thing well, just like his wrestler counterpart in the film. I thought his performance, combined with the irony of the movie, was so clever that he deserved to win.

Sean Penn's win is much more impactful. With the passing of Prop 8 and the recent argument over gay rights, this film means a lot more to a larger group of people than I first imagined. This is a giant leap forward for the gay rights movement. I had never heard of Harvey Milk until I watched this movie and am honestly kind of surprised. He was to gay rights what MLK Jr. was to the civil rights movement of the 1960s. Sean Penn was very convincing in this role, and honestly it probably was the best acted role of the year. Mickey Rourke played himself, Sean Penn is a happily married straight man with kids and played a flaming gay rights activist/politician. Although he is an activist in real life the character he portrayed on film was so different than him in real life he showed his acting muscles and put out the best performance of the year.

Slumdog Millionaire truly is a great movie. The whole process and story of the way it was made is so inspirational. It started as a small independent film with a very limited release and based on word of mouth, it grossed over 85 million in the US alone. Although it wasn't my personal favorite film of the year, it did have the greatest underdog story both on film and in real life. It conquered all odds to become the most talked about film of the year and is rightfully deserving of its eight Oscar wins.

So, until people give films like Milk, The Wrestler, The Reader, and Frost/Nixon a chance, I cannot listen to them gripe that The Dark Knight didn't win. The Academy Awards are more than a popularity contest. Although a lot of times I do disagree with the winners, and nominees (has Meryl Streep really been nominated 15 times?), I feel that this year they got it right.

Letter from the mayor's office

2009-02-18T13:20:00.011-05:00

With the recent announcement from the Governor and the President of the United States that Kentucky's weather has put the state in a national state of emergency we have been getting a lot of press and attention. During the ice storm my street was covered with a 1 inch plate of ice. I live at the end of a cul-de-sac on top of a hill. I was trapped in my house because my car is not built for driving conditions like this. I had to rely on friends with 4 wheel drive vehicles to get out of my house. Funny thing about the storm is that every street in my neighborhood, plus every other cul-de-sac that runs parallel to mine was scraped and salted. I wondered if it was the fact that my street is on a hill that they decided to skip it?

A few days after the heat and rain melted the ice I get a letter in the mail. Below is the letter.

My house does need paint very badly, but that there is much greater things for the city to worry about. The roof is a 30 year roof, the windows are custom made double pane, the gutters need paint but are also less than 5 years old. The furnace and A/C are about 6 years old, the hardwood has been refinished inside, and all the pink paint is gone. I have been slowly improving the value of my home, but haven't gotten around to painting the outside. I don't want the outside to look all nice and the inside all shitty, which is why I focused on the inside first.
I have called the mayor's office and left a message, no one has called me back. I have been meaning to paint my trim for a while and have been researching online how to do so. According to the experts, it is best to paint in the spring months of the year. The paint bonds much better with the wood in weather that is between 50-70 degrees. According to this notice I have until March 6 to comply; I doubt there will be enough 50 degree days in a row for me to accomplish this. Throw in the fact that I have been unemployed for 8 months and don't really have the money to invest in a cosmetic project on my home right now and I have a big problem. Maybe when it warms up I will throw a painting party where people can bring a brush and some sandpaper and make a day out of helping me paint my house. Drinks and food will be on my of course.

Happy Valentine's Day! (and I saw red)

2009-02-13T11:00:00.003-05:00

Valentines Day is a special time of year. Loved ones spend time together, relationships strengthen, the flower and chocolate industries boom, and every restaurant in town, including White Castle, are overflowing with reservations.

Two years ago I was invited by my friend Kevin to The Dame where he was performing open mic night. I knew he loved playing guitar and singing and was honored he asked me to come watch him perform. After the performance he told me he would be entering the studio to record a few cover tunes and one original.

He gave me a copy of the album upon its completion and I was inspired to make a video for his song about Valentines Day. In the song Kevin's wife leaves him on Valentines Day so it isn't exactly like most Valentines songs.

This video was made with iMovie 07 shortly after I got my free MacBook Pro. So, please pardon the low quality of video editing, I was still learning. With special guest appearances by Nathan Ellis and Leslie Royse this video became a hit with friends and family. I hope you enjoy.

Really? Ed Hardy is popular?

2009-02-02T18:21:00.001-05:00

I hate shopping. I mean really hate it. I worked in a mall for several years and could never understand why people shop. Everyone talks about the great deal they got shopping. "I got 30% off, or 50% off, I bought something and got a free keychain with it." The retailers are all liars, every last one. Sure that shirt is buy one get one free, but last week it was 50% off. It is the exact same sale, always! They word it differently because people perceive one to be better than the other. Some stores have jeans 50% off, but when regular price is 100 dollars 50% off is still more than jeans cost at discount stores. There is no difference between name brand jeans and knockoff jeans, other than the label on the back. Untuck your shirt and no one will ever know.

Every pair of name brand jeans I have ever owned has had the crotch ripped out or the back end split. The 'cool' jeans that look worn already are cheap and break down quickly. Why would I pay twice as much for a pair of jeans that already has half the life worn out of them? I would rather buy jeans that look new for half the price and have them last twice as long. Do the math.

Knockoff jeans

30 dollars x last 2 years = 15 dollars per year

Name brand (worn jeans)

100 dollars x last 2 seasons (half a year) = 200 dollars per year

So, you could buy 13 pairs of cheaper jeans a year for the price of 2 pairs of name brand jeans. Or even better, buy 2 pairs of cheap jeans and pocket 170 bucks. This seems like a no brainer. If you are so into fashion and making stuff unique maybe you should buy cheap jeans and spend the time to customize them. Personally I don't like to stand out, I want to fit into a crowd and not have people staring at me. I don't want jeans that look old and worn, I don't want jeans that have colors and sparkles on them. I want plain jeans that I can wear 2 days in a row and no one notices. Do you know why? I hate laundry, and feel that washing clothes that aren't dirty just shortens the life even more.

Maybe I am not the best example, I still wear t-shirts that I got in elementary school. In my regular rotation of shirts I have a 1993 Governor's Cup champion shirt, a French IV AP shirt, and a Mortal Kombat t-shirt from 1992. These shirts were cool when I bought them, then I got made fun of because they were old and it was as if I couldn't afford new clothes, and then they were cool again because Vintage t-shirts were in style. So, while people forked out 40-50 dollars for a shirt that looked old I spent 0 dollars on shirts that I have been wearing since I was 10 and really were old. These shirts were well made and still cost under 10 bucks each. A shirt that can be worn for 15 years is a well made shirt.

Today, i was in the mall with a friend and saw something that made me madder than I have been in a long time. I saw a t-shirt, just a plain white t-shirt. There is nothing special about this shirt, it looks like a t-shirt that is in a three pack fruit of the loom pack for 4 dollars at Wal-mart. This shirt had a goofy looking tiger head on the front of it that looked like one of those iron ons that that your mom would make for you and you were embarrassed to wear. This shirt was made by a popular designer, who I have never heard of, his name was Ed Hardy. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. This t-shirt was $132. There is no excuse for this. The shirt would fall apart after only a few washes. It would have pit stains in it immediately. It would fade and stretch in the wash. Anyone who would pay 132 for a t-shirt needs to have their head examined. I do not spend that much on groceries in a month. I can never see a time in my life when I will ever understand the rationalization for spending that much on a t-shirt. The thing is, what happens next, you can't wear cheap jeans with a shirt that expensive. So after you spend 500 on jeans and 75 on socks, and over 1000 on shoes you might be ready to go out in public. Then do you know what happens? Some dumb-ass spills a coke or squirts mustard on you. Then all the clothes are ruined. You can't wear a shirt with a mustard stain, because even if it comes out in the wash it will show up under a black like at the trendy club you are showing off your 132 dollar t-shirt. I can't imagine anything worse than getting made fun of for wearing a 132 dollar t-shirt, that is the ultimate smack in the face.

People wonder how I have such nice things in my house house even though I don't have a job and never had a really well paying job. The answer is simple. I don't spend money on overpriced name brand shit. I have never had a problem making friends, I have never had anyone not like me because my clothes were cheap. The reason is because people are brainwashed by marketing that they need expensive name brand clothes to fit in, but your true friends will still like you no matter what you wear. I am friends with people are are obsessed with the fashion world and they don't judge me. So, spend wisely, don't waste your money supporting overpriced ugly clothes just because they are 'in style'. If you want to make a statement and be an individual make your own clothes. They will truly be unique, and you won't have to worry about someone else at the bar you are at wearing the same thing. Not to mention making your clothes is cheaper than this shit.

The worst 'movie' ever filmed

2009-01-13T13:40:00.002-05:00

Imagine the worst film you have ever watched. What did you hate about it? Well what if I told you that I watched a movie that makes the worst movie you have ever seen look like a classic masterpiece of cinema. I'm talking a Casablanca, Wizard Of Oz, It's a Wonderful Life level classic.

This movie would scare most people away on reading the title. Not me though, since I started subscribing to Netflix I have done my best to find the worst, most disturbing, most despicable, most horrendous, strangest film on the planet. A lot of people wonder why I would do this, and the answer is simple. Everyone hears of the best movies, the Oscars, the Golden Globes and countless critics around the world praise films for being artistic masterpieces. Most of these films are mainstream and although they deal with touchy subjects they are done with tact and respect. The film I just watched not only will you never hear about it on any award show, I am fairly sure that no respectable critic has ever watched it. I want to know what the underground of cinema is like. I want to hear stories that haven't been told, stories ignored by the mainstream, and that is why I am digging for the bottom of the barrel.

The film is called 'Slaughtered Vomit Dolls' and it is the worst movie ever made. I know, I know, I had no business watching it, and I will probably lose a few close friends by talking about it in such a public space but it is the risk I am willing to take. Before watching the movie I decided to watch just the trailer. In the trailer a few things are shown, a girl possessed by a demon, the claim that the film creates a new genre of film, "vomit gore", and a lot of people puking. The film looks dark and dreary and the lighting is dim with over exposed faces. It is made to look like a snuff film. For those of you who don't know, a snuff film is a porno where someone is murdered. It is a really sick fetish and it is believed that no true snuff film exists (thank God). There are a lot of fake snuff films, and even a mainstream movie called 8mm starring Nicholas Cage about snuff films.

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls intrigued me with the preview, making a claim to create a new genre of film is a big claim so I had to watch the film. About 5 minutes into the film Jenny looks at me and says, "wouldn't it be funny if the whole movie was like this." The first 5 minutes consisted of a home video of a little girl talking with random clips of a woman sleeping, a woman stripping, and some people puking. There was no description, and the dialogue was so low in the mix you couldn't understand what they were saying. There wasn't a lot of dialogue anyway, and I am sure even if you could hear it wouldn't have made sense. 71 minutes later I looked at Jenny and laughed, the entire movie was like the first five minutes.

If it weren't for my obsessive compulsive disorder I wouldn't have made it past the 10 minute mark, but I have to finish what I start. This movie, although only 71 minutes long felt like 3 or more hours. I feel as though the film somehow slowed down the space time continuum for the viewer to cause more suffering.

After the film was over I looked up the director and read an interview, he is creepy and even admitted to having a vomit fetish, and wants Dolly Parton to puke on him. I urge everyone who made it to the end of this blog entry to stay away from this movie. I think most of my friends are smarter than I am and don't need this warning, but just incase . . . this is your final warning.

My journey has come to an end, I have found the most vile movie on the planet, and it was directed by "Lucifer Valentine 666"

Now I will return to my usual light hearted fun blogs :)

Guest Blog spot

2009-01-09T15:42:00.002-05:00

I recently wrote an article for an up and coming fashion blog about guys thoughts on bras. You can read the blog by clicking the link below.

http://stylewithanna.com/

Enjoy,
Matt

Kanye West and Auto Tune

2009-01-04T16:33:00.017-05:00

I feel that with the hype behind Kanye West's new album it was a huge letdown. He claimed it was unlike anything that we had ever heard and different than anything he had ever released, I disagree. His new album is a lot like popular rap music right now from other artists such as T.I. and Lil Wayne, they both also use the auto-tune plugin. At least he is wearing those popular sunglasses, you know the ones all the 12-15 year old kids wear? They are called "shades", do you get it? Shades! LOL

I have never been a fan of Kanye anyway, and the fact the he is the biggest asshole on the planet makes me like him even less. He has claimed that he is the voice of this generation, and more popular than Elvis in his prime, but I don't see how. He is a hateful, self centered, pompous ass. If he is talking about lyrically being the voice of our generation I also disagree, his lyrics make hardly any sense at all.

"This is Louis Vuitton Don night
So we gonna do everything that Kan like
Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde-dike"

I realize that this isn't off of his new album, but is just an example of how meaningless his lyrics are. Maybe I am just not smart enough to understand. I take from this that since he can afford Louis Vuitton that everyone needs to listen to him and do everything that he wants. Then he says he would do anything for a blond dike. I didn't know that his 'type' was butch women who are interested in other women, oh well.

Anyway, rant over. Although I do not like Kanye or his music, I must admit he is one of the best producers around right now. The production quality on his albums is top notch, I just wished I liked what he had to say.

I thought it would be amusing to record some popular songs with the auto-tune plug-in since Kanye's entire new album contains nothing but auto-tune. Honestly, I like the auto-tune in California Love, and even when Cher uses it as an effect. It loses its luster when every spoken word on an entire album uses it. So, without further ado, what if Kanye West was the voice of this generation and had recorded every popular song for the past 10 years using auto-tune?

The link below will open the .wav file of the songs. You will hear snippets of Forgot About Dre, Hey There Delilah, ATLiens, and I Believe In A Thing Called Love. There is a special guest appearance by D.Jay Hornblower on the Forgot About Dre segment.

POP SONGS USING AUTO-TUNE

Forgetting Santa

2008-12-21T12:59:00.011-05:00

Like most children I was raised to anticipate the arrival of Santa Claus every Christmas. Unlike most children I believed in Santa until I was 14 years old.

I grew up on a farm and while other children mailed their letters to Santa my dad had a better way of reaching Santa. Luke and I would write out our Christmas list and dad would light a fire in our wood stove. The entire family would gather around and dad would take the letters Luke and I wrote and toss them in the fire. He said the ashes would travel to the north pole and reassemble and Santa would receive our letters. If I had been smarter I would have known that ash couldn't ever reassemble into anything and even though this must have been dad's idea of the future or letter transportation email would soon become more popular and more efficient than his letter burning principles. I could have looked at the letter burning from another angle, "mom and I don't give a shit what you want so we are burning the letter. You are getting what we want you to have."

They must have made copies of our letters because we always got what we wanted and more; or maybe Santa really did get our letters. We would always visit Santa at Walmart, or Lowes, or whatever non-mall location he would visit in Frankfort. We were smart enough to know that the real Santa was too busy to visit and these were his helpers. My question is, if all the kids know that this isn't the real Santa and just one of his helpers why is he dressed like Santa? He isn't fooling anyone. I would have gladly told anyone claiming to be one of Santa's helpers what I wanted for Christmas.

Every year I had to out do myself and try to catch Santa in the house. I tried several methods for doing this. First I would sleep with the light on so I would wake up earlier. It worked, I usually would get up at 5am or earlier to see what Santa brought me. Once I awoke at 3am and was as loud as possible so mom and dad would wake up. Dad entered the living room and said, "Well, I guess Santa has been here because Matt it bent over smiling sideways looking at toys." Apparently my PJ pants were too long and I had walked on them pulling my pants down exposing my entire butt, I didn't even notice the breeze. The toys had my full attention. I would usually stay up from 3am or 5am playing with toys until I would finally crash at Granny's house about 2pm. Christmas was just too exciting to sleep in.

My best scheme to prove that Santa was real was to leave him something to eat and drink that my mom and dad didn't like. I knew that leaving cookies and milk didn't prove anything, mom and dad could eat them and just say Santa did. I was 8 years old and decided to leave Santa asparagus and warm milk, something that mom and dad wouldn't eat. When I woke up and found that the milk was half empty and the asparagus was gone I knew Santa must be real, mom and dad would never eat that nasty stuff. As it turns out, both mom and dad like asparagus, and I had left Santa something that only I didn't like. As logical as leaving a nasty treat for Santa was I neglected to think that even if mom and dad didn't like the treat they could have thrown it away and told me Santa ate it, or worse, if Santa didn't like it what if he left me no presents? I stuck with milk and cookies after that.

Luke had wanted a Groucho Marx ventriloquist doll really bad when he was 7 years old. Dad placed the order out of the "Things You Never Knew Existed" catalog in July. Luke waited and waited but the doll never showed up. Luke eventually forgot about it and I thought Dad should call the company and get his money back. Christmas morning at 430am me and Luke snuck into the living room to see what Santa had brought us. Sitting on top of a new 13" color TV was the Groucho Marx doll. Luke was so excited that he didn't even see the TV that was going to go in his room. I was so happy, I knew Santa had already made the doll for Luke and canceled the order to the magazine so we didn't have 2 of the dolls. Santa was so smart!

Each year I would call my cousin Sarah bright and early and we would share tales of what Santa had left us. I vowed that at age 11 I would catch Santa leaving presents. I snuck out of my room at 1230am thinking it was much later. I walked into the living room and saw no presents under the tree. I must have been bad. I looked at the clock and noticed it was barely Christmas and Santa must not have shown up yet. I went back into my room to wait, I awoke at 6am in the morning. I had missed him again. All of my friends had long since stopped believing in Santa but I knew he was real.

Brandon and Nathan told me their parents told them Santa wasn't real. I still believed. Even though Santa had the same handwriting as my dad I knew he was real. I opened up a toy craftsman tool set when I was 8 and looked at dad and said, "Wow! Santa shops at Sears too!" At age 12, I was riding in a car with my Aunt and she was telling me that she had done all of her Christmas shopping and that Santa Clause was going to be good to her kids this year. She put her arms up and quoted when she said Santa, and then told me that her kids still believed. I told myself her kids must have been bad and that is why she had to act like Santa, because he wasn't stopping at their house. Later the same day my Grandfather told me he had driven all over town looking for a Nintendo for me and Luke for Christmas and finally found one. I kept it to myself, but wanted to tell him that mom and dad didn't get me a Nintendo, it was Santa.

When I was 13 years old in the 8th grade my cousin Sarah and I had a heart to heart talk about Santa. All of our friends had moved on and accepted Santa wasn't real. Sarah and I decided that we no longer believed in the physical Santa that Coke created the image for, but we believed in a spirit. Kind of like the holy ghost, Santa was just a spirit. But, he still brought presents.

On Christmas morning of 1996, my freshman year of high school I slept in until 8am and woke up to find presents from Santa under the tree. I went to get my stocking and noticed that both the dog and cat stockings were empty. I looked at mom and she said, "Oops, I forgot to fill the animals stockings this year." This was it, I finally had to accept that Santa wasn't real. Mom and dad still think I believe, to this day I still get presents addressed from Santa. Or, maybe Santa is real and the devil has performed his greatest trick in convincing me that he doesn't.

Merry Christmas,
Matt

2008 in music

2008-12-18T18:09:00.017-05:00

With exception to the last album listed these 2008 releases are in no particular order. I tried to find a good representative song off of each album. Do yourself a favor and if you read a description that sounds interesting listen to atleast 1 minute of the track before you stop it. A lot of these songs take a bit to get going. I promise there is atleast one new album on this list that you will enjoy. Leave comments and let me know what you think, or post your top 10 albums. I would love to see what everyone else is listening to.

All That Remains – Overcome

The first time I saw All That Remains live I had never heard of them. After the show I bought the only album I could find, This Darkened Heart. It was in rotation for over a year, I even got my old band to play a track off the album. In 2006 when The Fall Of Ideals came out I bought it on release day and was blown away. I had to check the notes to make sure it was the same members, I have never heard a band progress so much between albums. Every instrument including the vocals blew the first album out of the water. The latest album, Overcome, is equal to if not better than The Fall Of Ideals. It is definitely more catchy; this is a crossover album from pop to metal. If you don't understand metal give this album a try, there is enough catchy poppy stuff to make everyone happy.

Cynic – Traced In Air

Cynic released an album called Focus in 1993 that got rave reviews, the immediately broke up. 15 years later they regrouped and released their 2nd album, Traced In Air. This is my first exposure to this band but upon listening to only one song I immediately noticed how they have influenced the current metal scene. Bands like Alarum, and Veil Of Maya are heavily influenced by this unique band. When I loaded the CD into Itunes this is the genre it placed the band in, (Technical death metal, Progressive metal, Jazz fusion). If you like Kanye West and his overuse of auto tune to make his voice do that 'neat little robot thing' you will love Cynic. Yes this album is metal, distorted guitars, odd time signatures, and great guitar solos. But, over top of that you have the auto tuned falsetto vocals. As strange as that sounds it really works well. This album can be enjoyed by everyone, even if you have A.D.D, it is only about 30 minutes long.

Arsis - We Are The Nightmare

If you can make it 30 seconds into that youtube clip you are brave. This album is the new pinnacle of technical death metal. The guitarist is also the vocalist, and yes he pulls it off live. Honestly, I do not understand most of what is going on in this album but that is why I love it. When I listen my brain is going a mile a minute trying to count time signatures, following melodies, and figuring out what the hell the drummer is playing. Even if they play pink guitars and are from Virginia, Arsis can rock the house. We will have to wait until 2009 to see if Necrophagist can regain the technical death metal crown.

The Faceless – Planetary Duality

Another technical album. The Faceless are part Black Dahlia Murder, part Necrophagist, part hardcore, part progressive, part brutal death metal. These guys have a huge following and seem to have birthed an army of clone bands led by Burning The Masses (whose debut didn't make my top 10). This album is very progressive, and has great atmosphere. The band didn't change a lot from their debut album but since that album is still in my CD player I didn't mind more of the same.

Gojira – The Way Of All Flesh

After showing up on time for a Lamb Of God concert and not being able to find parking I missed my chance to see these guys live. I had heard good things but had never heard any of their music. People at the concert raved about how they were so awesome, I was bummed. I forgot about them until the release of this album, almost 2 years later. Even though I am not a fan of Meshuggah or Fear Factory I can hear their influence in Gojira and love it. If you like Mastodon, or progressive metal in general check out Gojira. The album is very intense, but they have to have a sense of humor, they named their band after the way the japanese pronounce "Godzilla". The band is from France, but don't let that stop you from loving this album :)

Neal Morse – Lifelines

Neal Morse has a monopoly in music. As far as I can tell he is the only Progressive Christian Hard Rock act in the world. I love Dream Theater, they are my favorite band, but I understand how the vocals are almost unbearable for some people. Neal Morse is like listening to Dream Theater with a great pop vocalist. This album has a lot of influences, everything from Dream Theater, Frank Zappa, Yes, and Kansas. The vocal harmonies on the album are the best I have heard since Freddie Mercury was still alive. This live video isn't really representative of the vocal masterpiece on this album, but it is the best I could find.

Opeth – Watershed

Opeth has yet to release a bad album, hell, they haven't even released a bad song. Mikael Åkerfeldt, the singer, writes the entire album and then presents it to the band. There is something in the water in Sweden, every band from that country is amazing and Opeth are the leader of the pack. This album is much more mellow than anything the band has released. There is still plenty of double bass and screaming, but not nearly the amount as on previous albums. Atmosphere is the name of the game on this album, every song paints an emotional picture. The video I posted is a great representation of the album, and the time of year, dark and dreary.

Panic At The Disco – Pretty Odd

Talk about a 180, this band's 2008 release, with the exception to the catchy as hell unique vocals, sounds nothing like the previous album. I hear The Beatles, and Beach Boys influence hardcore in this album. There isn't a bad song on this album. It is probably the album in the top 10 I have listened to the 2nd most behind Fortress. If it weren't for the internet and Fall Out Boy's message board no one would know this band. After posting an MP3 to that message board they were signed to a record deal and had never played a live show. Talk about luck...and talent. These cats are young, releasing their first album when they were still in high school. The producer for this album, Rob Mathes, was quoted saying “the most significant music project I have done in a while in that it is young and intense, adventurous and endlessly creative. Working with these young kids has made me look at music the way I did when I discovered early records by The Who and Brian Eno-period David Bowie when I was 16. For this project I am also filled with “gratitude”

Trivium - Shogun

This band if full of cocky ass holes. I met Matt Heafy and he seemed so grateful that I had come to his show. That was years ago, now that they have 'made it' he is a total cock ass on stage. That being said, this album slays! Try to find a better thrash album released this year, I dare you. This band has been compared to Metallica more times than the bad guy on Scooby Doo said "and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you pesky kids." This is the album that Metallica wanted to release with St. Anger, and the album they tried to release with Death Magnetic. Although Trivium will never gain the success of Metallica I find this album as good as anything Metallica has released since the Black Album. Honestly I don't like Matt's scream, but his singing voice is great, and the chorus of each song is unique and very catchy.

Protest the Hero – Fortress

My album of the year. Released in February I still listen to it once a week or more. If I had to compare Protest the Hero to another band it would be The Mars Volta. A much more technically metal version. The singer is heavily influenced by The Mars Volta, and it shows. This album blew me away from the first listen. I would change absolutely nothing on this album, it is heavy in the right parts, just melodic enough, the small percentage of vocals that are screams add to the music, the tone of the guitars, the production of the album, and the playing of the young Canadian musicians is all top notch. The lyrical content is fun, about Genghis Khan, old Irish Mythology, and goddess worship. They even put in a cat meow in the middle of the 8th track on the album for the cat lovers. I hope that 2009 can find an album to top this one, but I am not getting my hopes up.

HONORABLE MENTION

Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal

Wes Bland just turned me onto this album last week so I haven't fully digested it. It is a total tongue in cheek album with 'Arnold' as the lead singer. All songs are based on funny Arnold quotes from his movies. The album is the brainchild of the lead singer of As I Lay Dying, a band I never got into. He plays all the instruments on this album except the guitar solos. If nothing else I now have a great respect for him, killer guitarist, vocalist, and drummer. Almost funnier than the songs themselves is the skits in between where Arnold yells at the band for not being productive during band practice, and suggesting song titles.

Boomer's Odyssey

2008-12-16T16:23:00.005-05:00

A hound dog is going to be a hound no matter what you do, that is just what he is. Boomer, my beagle has a nose like a hoover vacuum. He doesn't lick anyone ever, but he will smell every square inch of your body to see where you have been. Before he was neutered if he heard anyone near the front door he would hide just out of sight and as soon as the door was cracked he ran outside to sniff the neighborhood. I had always wondered why dogs nostrils have the little slits on the side, and now I know. Boomer would run with his head down, nose pressed against the pavement like a kid looking in the window at a department store on Christmas. Those slits are so he doesn't suffocate.

We always were worried that Boomer would get hit by a car since he never looked where he was going, he just sniffed and howled and barked as he wandered up and down the street. He never took a straight path, and he wouldn't walk too fast until you snuck up behind him. He would sprint just out of reach and begin sniffing again. Sometimes it took us hours to catch him. Catching Boomer was like a Benny Hill skit, it would make you laugh if you dubbed 'Yakkity Sax' over us stumbling to catch him.

Boomer is a special beagle, he is part of the beagle royal family. He is also the only dog I know with a tattoo, I'm not joking. The family made an executive decision to neuter the poor boy so he wouldn't be so eager to go out and chase the bitches, or whatever it is beagles do.

Boomer slowed down quite a bit after his bag of balls was surgically turned into just a bag, a deflated flesh balloon. He gained some weight, he loafed a lot more, but he still wanted to be outside, and he still sniffed all of the house guests. The only thing the surgery did was make him a little easier to catch as there was more to grab onto when he got out.

The county fair came to town and set up shop across from my house through a field. Me and the guys figured out that we could sneak in the back way and not pay the 5 dollar entrance fee, that was until the county got smart and put redneck momma's on four wheelers to patrol the field. It was like a game to sneak into the fair. I never cared for the rides, or the pageant but I always enjoyed the carnies working. If you would make eye contact they would try to get you to play their game. Carnies get a bad wrap, but they are unbelievable salesmen, if only they bathed and had teeth they could make a killing selling cars.

After the first night of the fair I came home to find Boomer was missing. I walked around the neighborhood calling his name. I didn't find him, I went to sleep expecting to be woken up by him scratching at the front door. The next morning I woke up abruptly with a horrible thought. What if someone from the fair nabbed him, he is a beautiful dog, very friendly. Sure, he is overweight, but that is the American way. Me and Luke walked to the fair grounds and asked the carnies if they had seen Boomer, no one had.

Two days later we had passed through the denial stage and started to accept that some carny, or other fair goer now had a new beagle. We knew no one could love him as much as us though. I thought to myself that someone would bring him home, he had tags, there is no excuse for anyone to keep him.

I had to work that day and showed up at Sears with a tie and a frown. I was not in the mood to work. When I got to the electronics department I opened up the video game case and began to put up the newest shipment of games that no one else bothered to do. I was sitting in the back of the electronics department on the floor with my legs spread with a box full of video game in front of me. I began to hear a whimper, a loud cry, and then a loud howl. I looked up and saw Boomer with his nose pressed against the carpet run towards me. He looked up and jumped on top of me and began screaming and shouting and howling. A lady came over and said, "I'm sorry, I walked in the door in tools and that dog just darted in behind me. He ran straight to this department."

I began to shake and cry, Boomer had found me. He had just gotten lost. He picked up my scent in the parking lot of Sears and followed his nose right to me. I left work and drove the 1.5 miles home. When we got home Boomer slurped up so much water and ate an entire bowl of food. He then took a long nap, he was home. I felt like I was living Homeward Bound.

Gay times in the mall.

2008-12-10T15:31:00.003-05:00

Just when I think things are finally normal for me I have a strange mall encounter. I was going to Lowes to buy some shelves for my basement and decided to stop into the mall and visit with the old co-workers. After spending about 20 minutes talking to David about his book and business I decided to lay on one of the beds. I can't count the number of hours I spent in the past 3 years laying on the beds at Select Comfort.

Today was different, as I was talking to David I felt someone at my feet, I looked to see an employee from a mall store who I casually talked to when I worked in the mall. He began to climb over my feet to get into bed with me. I expected him to fall next to me in the bed but he kept climbing. He reached my crotch and plopped down. I don't know what facial expression I made, but I am sure it was classic. My penis did its best turtle impersonation, and at this moment has still not re-emerged from his shell.

Next, the guy began to grind on me, his tie was rubbing my nose and I heard a loud pop. It was his hip. This finally encouraged him to get off...of me, hopefully not get off...in his pants. I was speechless, David laughed and the mall employee just smiled.

"I walked by and thought that was you, then I got closer and realized it was you and I couldn't resist."

The way he was talking he doesn't even remember my name. I have never done that to anyone, and never had anyone do it to me. It takes a lot of nerve for him to do that in the middle of the mall during Christmas season. I think he is straight, and he knows I have a beautiful girlfriend, so I don't know what he was thinking. Hopefully he will also have nightmares tonight about today's events.

Cabin Fever (Video)

2008-12-02T16:43:00.002-05:00

The weather is getting cold and dark and I am slowly going crazy. This video describes how I feel today.

One Year after my first no shave November

2008-12-01T18:27:00.002-05:00

2007 was the first year I participated in "no shave November" and the outcome of 1 month of no shaving was my most popular YouTube video to date. For those of you who haven't seen it, or for those who would like to see it again, enjoy! I recently passed 5000 views :)

I would also like to explain the intro. It didn't come across very clear in the video. The electric razor and standard razor are man and wife asleep under their soft quilted Angel Soft blanket. The rooster crows to wake them up after their one month "no shave November" vacation. The charger cord is the dog coming to motivate them to go to work. The Mrs. puts on her makeup, a.k.a, new razor blade and the Mr. gets in his electric charger to prepare for the first shave since the end of October. Unfortunately the beard is too thick for the razor so I had to resort to the experimental "Beard B Gone" pill, which worked great. One of the side effects of the pill was hallucinations of famous people with the same facial hair style as me.

Santa Claus and Osama Bin Laden
Joe Dirt
Hulk Hogan
Farva (from Super Troopers)
Hitler

NES Box Sale!

2008-12-01T17:02:00.014-05:00

I would like to start off by letting everyone know about the strange occurrence that happened while I was typing this blog. I was 2 pages into the process when I realized I hadn't saved the document. My Microsoft Word doesn't seem to be 100% compatible with Mac OS X so I have to hold my breath when I save so it doesn't crash the program. I was thinking ahead and decided that I would copy the text in case it did crash and I could just reopen Word and paste it back. As I highlighted the text and went to copy it my cat, Maeby, jumped on my desk and before I could hit command+C she stepped on the delete key erasing all I had written. When I hit the undo button it crashed Word and I lost everything. Maybe it was for the best as now the blog will be shorter and to the point. Enjoy.

I have been going through a life cleansing process since losing my job in July. I have been clearing my house of unused items and selling them on craigslist. I prefer the free listing and no selling fees to the Monopolist Juggernaut that is EBay. I also find that the empty space in my home gives my mind a rest. With less stuff I have less stuff to worry about, less to move when I clean, and it makes my house look nicer.

I am very proud of my latest Craigslist sale. I feel like Tommy Boy's dad, Big Tom Callahan, after my last sale. I feel like I sold an ice cube to an eskimo, or as the movie quote goes "a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves." I sold a box of empty cardboard boxes and a couple of toy guns for $50.

The boxes were actually 8-bit NES game boxes, and the guns were light zapper guns for the NES, but still, I sold no games in the deal. I made it very clear in the ad that the boxes were empty and no games were included in the deal. The post was made and my asking price was $35. Less than an hour later I had an appointment set to meet a guy from London to sell the stuff. I was beginning to think my asking price was too low.

At noon the next day I pull in to our designated meeting place, the Wendy's off of the Athens Boonesboro exit. 12:10 rolls around and my phone rings,

"Matt, this is Billy from London. I'm passing the Paris Pike exit, am I getting close?"

"Paris Pike, I'm pretty sure you passed it. Did you not see Athens Boonesboro?" I asked

"Nah, but I'll turn around, be there in a few minutes." He says and hangs up

I sit for 20 more minutes and my phone rings again, " Matt, I'm passing Clay's Ferry, am I getting close?" He asks

"You are almost in Richmond, you need to turn ar...." he cuts me off

"Is there a strip joint on that exit or anything?" He asks

I look around and see a sign for Spearmint Rhino and tell him, "I see a Spearmint Rhin..." He again cuts me off.

"Ah shit, I know where you at, I saw that Wendy's sign but figured you meant some other one, I be there in a few." The strip club must have been the only landmark he knew.

I wasn't totally sure this guy could read, I said the name of the exit at least 5 times, not to mention it was in the email I sent him. Finally 50 minutes after our scheduled meeting time he comes rolling into the parking lot right past my car that I described to him and parks on the opposite side of the Wendy's. He calls again and instead of driving over he walks to my car.

"I got so lost, guess I just don't come to Lexington enough to know where things are." He apologizes. I have a hard time believing that him not coming to Lexington has anything to do with him passing the giant exit sign 2 times, he just wasn't paying attention. I open my trunk and show him the 2 boxes of boxes and he gets very excited. You can tell this guy is a gamer, he has the thick glasses, receding hair line, and graphic T-shirt referring to some game I wasn't familiar with, and all he talked about was his Xbox and other games. As we walked around the parking lot carrying 2 boxes of NES boxes he asked me if I had played some XBOX game called "Lost Odyssey", I hadn't and he then spent the next 10 minutes telling me every detail about the game.

As he opened the door to his car several fast food bags and empty coke bottles fell into the parking lot. We squeezed the boxes into his backseat and I asked him if he was going to display the boxes and if he could take a picture and send it to me as I would like to see his collection. He looked at me and said, "Nah, I don't have any of my stuff on display, I'll probably just stick this box in the corner of the basement."

"Better your basement than mine." I smiled

He gets into his car and grabs his wallet and opens it up. Inside I see two 20 dollar bills and a 10. He grabs all three bills and hands them to me, "Here you go, this is for your trouble."

"Thank you, I really appreciate it." I genuinely smile and start to walk away. He stops me and starts talking video games. I hear a loud beep on my phone and pick it up, a text from Jenny, "I'm off work now, let's go eat." I tell the guy that I hate to be rude but I have to go meet my girlfriend for lunch. He nods and drives off.

This is the second time I have witnessed someone pay more for something than was asked for no apparent reason. My friend was once offered an Xbox 360 and several games for 500 dollars, he responded, "I'll give you $550", to this day no one knows why, not even my friend Wes who said it.

As a side note, in my 50 minute wait for my NES Box buddy every time I saw a Dodge Neon I thought it was my guy, but it never was. He never told me what kind of car he drove. Honest to God, as he pulled up he was driving a red Dodge Neon, what are the odds?

Pyramid Schemes always seem to find me!

2008-11-25T15:32:00.017-05:00

Working at a mattress store is a lot of hard work, it isn't as easy to stay awake while laying on a 5,000 dollar bed as it seems. I have to find ways to keep myself entertained, and recently it has been by humoring people involved in pyramid schemes.

I was offered 3 different jobs in the mall recently. First I was offered a manager position at Sonic, because I looked like a responsible young man looking for business opportunities. Second, as the manager of Lemstone Books (which has since gone out of business), because I looked like I had integrity and as a marketing consultant in the local company . . . Fortune Hi-Tech Marketing.

FORTUNE HI-TECH MARKETING
A prominent collegiate basketball coach’s wife offered me this job. She said that it was a great way to make extra residual income, and all I had to do was give her $250 bucks, find 3 more people to give me $250, and those 3 people had to find 3 people go give $250 . . . etc. Then it was my job to sucker people into signing up for Cingular and Dish Network through my website, which is the same as every other person in the companies website. She showed me the business plan, and it didn't even try to hide the fact that it was a pyramid, there was one drawn on the front of the packet. She said that if I was successful I could make $84,000 a month, and with only 1% success I could make $840 per month. It sounds too good to be true, which means it is. She said it wasn't a get rich quick scheme, that I wouldn't make that kind of money for at least 3 to 4 years. If I go from making nothing to $84,000 per month in 3 to 4 years I would call that getting rich quick.

TEAM

Jacob, who has just moved down from Wisconsin with his beautiful wife, offered me this job. Jacob said he was starting an Internet business in Lexington and thought I would be a good match for it. Amazingly, he could tell I was perfect for his company and we had only been talking for 2 minutes. I asked him what his business did and he told me, "Well, it is hard to explain right now, but it is booming in other regions of the country and there is huge room for growth in Kentucky." So I decided to set up a meeting with Jacob, because if you can't tell me what the business does when I ask it must means it involves a pyramid, I had to hear more about this opportunity. Think about it, if you are a brain surgeon, or a nuclear physicist your job involves things that is over most people’s heads, but if someone asks your profession you can still tell them what you do. Jacob could have told me he was in Internet sales, but then I would have known the truth and canceled the meeting. Two weeks later he knocks on my front door.
I open the door in a T-shirt that reads "I don't dial 911" with a bloody hand holding a gun. Jacob is in a full suit, tie, sport coat, matching pants, the whole 9 yards. He said the 'meeting' would take about 2 hours; one hour to get to know me, and one hour to talk about the business. Jacob asked me about my DVD collection and said we should get together and watch movies; he then saw a guitar and told me he played. As Jacob talked he stared deeply in my eyes, obviously trying to hypnotize me. I felt like he was peering into my soul, trying to influence me, or maybe trying to seduce me. My penis began retracting slowly into my body and my butthole tightened as a reflex in case Jacob may try to rape me at some point during our meeting.
Oh, did I mention, Jacob is 19, and has pork-chop sideburns that grow in all patchy like Joe Dirt’s.

He told me about painting his fingernails in an alternating pink/black fashion and wearing all black to concerts. Jacob is shorter, skinnier, and a tad dorkier than I am, if that is possible. Without asking, he picked up my guitar and began to strum a few chords, I asked him what he was playing and he said, “Oh, you play guitar and you don’t recognize Stairway to Heaven?” I just smirked. I do know Stairway, and he wasn’t playing it. I’m pretty sure what he was playing was a song my cat wrote when her tail brushed against the fret board last week.

So, now that we 'know' each other, it is time for me to learn about the business. He starts to draw some diagrams on a piece of yellow legal pad and precedes to tell me all about Ray Croc, and Sam Walton, and how this business is a combination of their business plans with a twist, it uses the internet. I asked Jacob if the Internet adds so much to the business plans of Ray Croc and Sam Walton why they didn’t use the Internet in their original plan. Jacob stares blankly at me wondering if I am serious and then continues with his scripted sales pitch. Unlike pyramid schemes the TEAM network is stable and guarantees 100% success after 3 to 4 years of involvement. It only requires 10 to 20 hours of work per week, (on top of my 45 hours of laying on mattresses that is a lot of time). The more people in team the better everyone does.

This is how team works: Jacob is the leader, he finds 20 people to give him $250 dollars, now each of these people gets a login/password to the TEAM website and QUIXTAR distribution network (the same used by pyramid schemes according to Jacob, but reassures me that TEAM is not a pyramid.) The network is hooked to 1,000's of websites like Ace Hardware, Circuit City, Office Max and the likes. You buy products from the site and get a discount, the more people in the chain the larger discount you get. Here is the analogy Jacob gave me; if you are buying a car that is 20k and ask the guy to knock the price down to 15k he would laugh in your face, but if you told him that you have 20 other people who will also buy a car today he would probably give you the discount happily. The same principle applies, the more people that are buying from the site, the bigger the discount. You can earn up to 25% off of products.

I told Jacob I didn’t care about a discount. I want to make some money, cold hard cash, some mucho Robert DeNiro, dead prez, cheddar, swiss, american, hell, any kind of cheese will do. Here is the beauty, I am earning my 25% discount from these sites and instead of being in Jacob's chain, I start my own chain, and now instead of earning a discount I get kick backs from the company. The diagram he draws is a line on the page straight up and down, he then draws a second line to the side forming the top 2 sides of a triangle and explains the first line is his chain; the second line is my chain. I don’t see how this isn’t a pyramid scheme, he just drew a pyramid!
I tell him that I am not interested; he leaves me 4 CDs and a book, which according to him is a national best seller on building leaders. He then tells me that when I sign up for TEAM they give me a copy of the book, and he then tells me the company is growing exponentially (like a pyramid) and that there is currently 150,000 involved, and by year-end will be 300,000. All this tells me is that the 'best seller' book Jacob is talking about has at least 150k copies in print, and will have 300k by year-end, this doesn't mean it is a good book. Jacob then shoots his wad, the bazooka Joe big gun. "Did you know that TEAM has its own energy drink called XS which is second in sales only to Red Bull, and the only place you can buy it is off of the TEAM website, this just shows how many people are in on this, and how much potential there is to make money." Jacob leaves.

For the next week my phone rings non-stop, "hey Matt, it’s Jacob. Have you had a chance to read over the material I left with you? I want to meet with you again." The messages kept coming and all sound identical, just like the boss who kept calling Peter in Office Space. Jacob comes back, but I made sure my friends Jeremy and Janna were around to guard me. He tells Janna that his wife is 3 weeks late on her period, and that he needs to make some money. Taylor walks in; Jacob tells him that he pulls off the 'bad boy rocker' look really well. I tell Jacob that TEAM is in fact a pyramid scheme and I don't want to be involved, he has a rebuttal for everything that I say, and a very good one at that. If nothing else Jacob is a salesman, and if it is possible to make money with TEAM he will do it, but I am not going to be part of it. Jacob leaves but leaves more stuff for me to look over, which just ensures that we will have to meet again.

The next month I spend avoiding his calls. The messages are more urgent. "Hey Matt, my mentor Eric Bloomdale is in town from Wisconsin, he is a millionaire and one of the founders of TEAM, he wants to talk to you."

"Hey Matt, I have a bunch of people interested in joining TEAM, but I talked with you first so I am holding your place, the business is really starting to boom in KY."

Finally, "Hey Matt, I guess you aren't interested, can I have my stuff back."

6 weeks and it is over, I am not a member of TEAM and Jacob has his stuff back, I wish him luck, but damnit, this is a pyramid scheme!!! I avoid him by just leaving a bag around my front door with his material inside. I haven’t seen him since.

SG ENTERPRISES / I COMMERCE

I was in Charleston West Virginia this week working in the Town Centre Mall. I sell a bed to a guy named Mr. Foster who tells me he has an Internet business. He gives me a card and asks if I have time to talk the next afternoon about it because he thinks I would be a good candidate to work for him. I tell him I have all the time in the world, which is true; I am stuck 3 hours from home in a room with 4 mattresses and computer which can only navigate to www.bestbuy.com which I now know inside and out. I figure I will humor the guy and hear him out, and he can make the day go by faster for me. He leaves with his bed and I look up his information in the computer. There is are two notes from the first time Mr. Foster visited the store, “asked me to join his Internet business" "is an elementary school principal."

Hold on a minute, Why did he tell me that he had an internet business and never mentioned being the principal of a school? I answered my own question, because he can’t make money off of me by saying he is a principal. I must really look like a sucker.

Tomorrow roles around and in strolls Mr. Foster, he is in a hurry and only has a few minutes to talk about the business plan. He pulls out a brochure and starts to draw some diagrams, he asks me questions and I take words out of his mouth. I am telling him about the business before he can tell me.

"Matt, you are really bright, you must have learned a lot about business in school."
In my head I was thinking, "nope, this is just the 2nd time I have heard this sales pitch this month."

I asked Mr. Foster if he had ever heard of TEAM and he said no, but he was sure it was nothing like his Internet profit sharing company. He says that they have their own energy drink called XS that is 2nd in sales only to Red Bull. Unlike the energy drink of the same name which Jacob talked about Mr. Foster had one with him and gave it to me, "you can have this one, it will be a tax write off for me." Really, you are so anal you are going to write off one can of soda as a business expense? That will probably save you 20 cents on your taxes.

He said the drink had no carbs or sugar and was really good for focus and energy. I read the label, hmm, where does the energy come from? Mr. Foster said it was the large amount of B12 in the drink, but I have a stinking suspicion that it may actually be the large amount of caffeine in the drink. In fact there is so much caffeine that there is a warning on the can for people who react to large amounts of caffeine to avoid the drink. Mr. Foster leaves but says he will call me to give me more information.

Mr. Foster keeps his promises and leaves no less than 25 messages on my voicemail. Each message he sounds more and more desperate and by the last message he sounds like Old Gil from the Simpson’s trying to sell me on something that in his heart he knows is like chasing a carrot on a string.

I am going to call Jacob and tell him the SG ENTERPRISES / I COMMERCE has stolen his companies energy drink, and is also using the same QUIXTAR distribution channel and the same . . . well hell; it is the same damn company with a different name. I just want to see how he handles it. If nothing else Mr. Foster did help my last day in WV fly by.

So, to make a long story longer, I apparently look like a sucker for pyramid schemes. I have also been asked to join Mary Kay, another pyramid scheme. I am sure that Amway isn't far behind; but who knows, maybe I will make a fortune selling it to myself.